It has come to the forefront of my attention that texting, IMing, and even surfing the web while intoxicated may yet be the greatest threat facing our generation.
Look, I know, we've all been there. All you wanted to do was say hi. All you wanted to do was find someone cute to talk to. All you wanted to do was see if she wanted to hang out this weekend.
Dude, you're an idiot. First of all, half of the girls you just IMed, texted, messaged on Match.com and OKCupid aren't even that attractive. You're just so drunk that the lines between fat and ugly, thick and kinda cute, soft and cute, reasonably hot, and smokin' have become inextricably blurred. They are one in the same now. Your attraction checklist looks less like the 12 step program it ought to be and more like the 3 step instructions on the back of a shampoo bottle. 1. Check for Tits 2. Make Sure She's Breathing 3. Figure out her favorite position and find the nearest bathroom.
So why don't you slow your roll, step away from the computer/cell phone and just take it easy. Have some water. Why don't you sit the next couple of plays out. Because you're only going to embarrass yourself and ruin your chance of ever seeing her again. Of course if you don't like her and/or she's fat/ugly then just don't forget to wrap it when she caves and wait until 2am to leave, that's the deepest sleep. What's that? She's coming over your house?
You're a moron. There is no hope for you.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
This week in what pisses me off...
Okay so everyone does things they aren't proud of. I've used match.com. Those aren't necessarily related. While I don't walk around yelling wildly about how I've used Match.com before, I don't exactly shy away from the fact that I have. When asked, I'll admit. Now, I don't really use it anymore, for various reasons I'm quite happy right now in my dating life.
That being said, I randomly got on to my match.com page, I do every now and then, who knows maybe some delicious honey sent me a message. (Though it's more likely that one of those plastic bears full of actual delicious honey will send me a message.) What usually ends up happening is I look to see if I have a message or something, maybe look at the talent to see if anything will wake me up from my relationship hibernation, and when I see that there is not, I close the window and go back to whatever I was doing before. Or watching pornography. Which is often what I was doing before.
Now, on seldom an occasion, I will send a message to someone. Often this happens when I am drunk. It has not happened in a long time, the span of a couple of months, but I will sometimes send a message to a girl who falls into the "below my league" category. I often engage in the self-deprecating practice of finding a girl who will not be so hot as to never talk to me, but in fact be a paper bag short of being able to date anyone. Okay that's harsh, but you get the point. She could be cute if the light was right and she was wearing the right kind of makeup. The Right Kind = Plenty of it.
The most infuriating thing in the world, or maybe just my little world, is when the BMLG (below my league girl) doesn't respond. I sent her a message because it was a sure thing. She's not that attractive, probably more than her fair share of overweight, and is shy. Those girls are easy, especially if you can spit game. I can spit game.
One sends a message (or talks to her in the bar, or sits down next to her at a coffee shop or chats her up at a bookstore) simply because she's a confidence booster. Maybe not exactly a slumpbuster (though depending on where you started talking to her, it's basically a Phil Jackson coached transition away.) Read: Smooth. But the bare bones fact is that she will most likely go out with you, or talk to you, become interested in you (because she's below your level, she knows it, and is surprised a guy like you is attracted to her) and because she is interested in you, you will feel better about yourself.
It's fine, ladies, don't try and say you fuckers don't do the same thing. Anyway, when girls like this don't respond, or don't return messages it's incredibly baffling, infuriating, and against the laws of physics. I believe this is known as Kepler's Second Law of Fat Bitches. How can she possibly not respond? Wait a minute here, Jabba the Hut doesn't find me attractive enough to at least say hi? You're kidding me. Out of all the unattractive women on match to whom I could've sent a message, (there's a formula for that. It's like t=total # of women so T-9=x whereas X equals the total number of unattractive women on the site) I sent it to you, and you actually didn't reply. Unbelievable.
Of course this immediately causes a rash of self-destructive introspective thoughts. They are largely self-destructive simply because they are introspective. Guys, don't do that, seriously. That's an order. So you have to sit back and question why they didn't respond. Am I unattractive? Am I too forward? Do they not like my profile? Are my interests to broad? Are they too specific? Usually before I get too far, I just conclude that because my picture was not a picture of a twinkie bar, or because I failed to mention that I am, in fact, oft-attracted to 5's and 6's that they just don't take me seriously.
I mean, not that this has ever really happened to me before.
That being said, I randomly got on to my match.com page, I do every now and then, who knows maybe some delicious honey sent me a message. (Though it's more likely that one of those plastic bears full of actual delicious honey will send me a message.) What usually ends up happening is I look to see if I have a message or something, maybe look at the talent to see if anything will wake me up from my relationship hibernation, and when I see that there is not, I close the window and go back to whatever I was doing before. Or watching pornography. Which is often what I was doing before.
Now, on seldom an occasion, I will send a message to someone. Often this happens when I am drunk. It has not happened in a long time, the span of a couple of months, but I will sometimes send a message to a girl who falls into the "below my league" category. I often engage in the self-deprecating practice of finding a girl who will not be so hot as to never talk to me, but in fact be a paper bag short of being able to date anyone. Okay that's harsh, but you get the point. She could be cute if the light was right and she was wearing the right kind of makeup. The Right Kind = Plenty of it.
The most infuriating thing in the world, or maybe just my little world, is when the BMLG (below my league girl) doesn't respond. I sent her a message because it was a sure thing. She's not that attractive, probably more than her fair share of overweight, and is shy. Those girls are easy, especially if you can spit game. I can spit game.
One sends a message (or talks to her in the bar, or sits down next to her at a coffee shop or chats her up at a bookstore) simply because she's a confidence booster. Maybe not exactly a slumpbuster (though depending on where you started talking to her, it's basically a Phil Jackson coached transition away.) Read: Smooth. But the bare bones fact is that she will most likely go out with you, or talk to you, become interested in you (because she's below your level, she knows it, and is surprised a guy like you is attracted to her) and because she is interested in you, you will feel better about yourself.
It's fine, ladies, don't try and say you fuckers don't do the same thing. Anyway, when girls like this don't respond, or don't return messages it's incredibly baffling, infuriating, and against the laws of physics. I believe this is known as Kepler's Second Law of Fat Bitches. How can she possibly not respond? Wait a minute here, Jabba the Hut doesn't find me attractive enough to at least say hi? You're kidding me. Out of all the unattractive women on match to whom I could've sent a message, (there's a formula for that. It's like t=total # of women so T-9=x whereas X equals the total number of unattractive women on the site) I sent it to you, and you actually didn't reply. Unbelievable.
Of course this immediately causes a rash of self-destructive introspective thoughts. They are largely self-destructive simply because they are introspective. Guys, don't do that, seriously. That's an order. So you have to sit back and question why they didn't respond. Am I unattractive? Am I too forward? Do they not like my profile? Are my interests to broad? Are they too specific? Usually before I get too far, I just conclude that because my picture was not a picture of a twinkie bar, or because I failed to mention that I am, in fact, oft-attracted to 5's and 6's that they just don't take me seriously.
I mean, not that this has ever really happened to me before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)