It has come to the forefront of my attention that texting, IMing, and even surfing the web while intoxicated may yet be the greatest threat facing our generation.
Look, I know, we've all been there. All you wanted to do was say hi. All you wanted to do was find someone cute to talk to. All you wanted to do was see if she wanted to hang out this weekend.
Dude, you're an idiot. First of all, half of the girls you just IMed, texted, messaged on Match.com and OKCupid aren't even that attractive. You're just so drunk that the lines between fat and ugly, thick and kinda cute, soft and cute, reasonably hot, and smokin' have become inextricably blurred. They are one in the same now. Your attraction checklist looks less like the 12 step program it ought to be and more like the 3 step instructions on the back of a shampoo bottle. 1. Check for Tits 2. Make Sure She's Breathing 3. Figure out her favorite position and find the nearest bathroom.
So why don't you slow your roll, step away from the computer/cell phone and just take it easy. Have some water. Why don't you sit the next couple of plays out. Because you're only going to embarrass yourself and ruin your chance of ever seeing her again. Of course if you don't like her and/or she's fat/ugly then just don't forget to wrap it when she caves and wait until 2am to leave, that's the deepest sleep. What's that? She's coming over your house?
You're a moron. There is no hope for you.
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